Okay... So I survived the first four days of work. They went surprisingly smooth. Should be a good year.
Tuesday was a rough night. As bad as any day last summer. There was depression and anxiety and just plain fear. Part of it was b/c I was exhausted. I always get a little anxious before the first day of school. Kinda like how you're skiddish around dogs once you've been bitten. I worked in a horrible situation I am terrified of repeating.
Another part of it was my sister freaking me out over my mom. The radiation is finished. But she seems to be getting worse not better. She suffered second degree burns and is tired all the time. She doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere. It's not good. It was the first time I actually realized that my mom is really sick. She never acted it before. It was all so abstract. Seeing as that losing my parents is my one most paralyzing fear, I wasn't dealing very well.
Hopefully, someone doesn't think it was because of them. Monday night I had a long conversation with my "crush". I laid my cards on the table. I was told that he didn't see a relationship with me. I probably should be more dejected than I am. It's odd... We've gotten to be friends and I kinda like that. Once upon a time I thought we had nothing in common. But the more I get to know him, the more I think we are a lot of like. Neither of us is completely "grown up" or financially responsible, we have unhealthy habits, he's passionate about music and I am about baseball. I had to explain that I didn't see him as relationship material. I never have. All things I like about him would make me hate being in a relationship with him.
I just want one great fling while I'm still young enough to enjoy the spontaneity if it. So, learning that this little flirtation or whatever we've been having wasn't going to go anywhere didn't send me into my tailspin. Just wanted to make that clear.
I was however, having a self-pity party about the medicine I am supposed to take and all the medical advice I am getting about my high blood sugar.
Now, onto the Red Sox. Friday night's game was hideous. Pathetic. I blame Dale Swain, not the defense. What the hell was he doing sending Tek??? He's a catcher for pete's sake. I did enjoy watching him bowl over Jorge. Yesterday was just down right fun. Not even a Schilling fan. But enjoyed the performance nontheless. Today... wow... Wakefield pitched as good as you could ask him to. A career high 13 strike outs. But damn that Jason Giambi. Grrr... It's okay. Sox are still up by 3 games and the Yanks play the Devil Rays this week. Should get interesting.
It's also the 4 year anniversary of 9-11. Hard to believe it was that long ago. It seems like just yesterday. Between that and the devastation in the gulf coast. It's insane. Those people died in vain. We've all packed it aside and moved on with our lives as if it never happened.
How's that for an update????
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Friday, September 02, 2005
Saturday, August 20, 2005
How???
My first real crush was in eighth grade. Kevin Stillman. He was in high school. I first saw him on the bus for All County Choir Rehearsals. How I made All County, I'll never know. He was tall, sandy hair, blue eyes. I used to find ways to look at him that whole year. Went to the school musical, timed my walk to Spanish 1st period @ the high school so that I'd see him walking to choir every morning.
Freshman year, my locker was coincidentally across the hall from his. I had the same lunch as his. I even got into his first period choir just to see him. I could never bring myself to talk to him. I just looked at him. I did all the stupid things high school dorks do. I even got his phone # and began calling him and the weird thing was, he always talked to me. Which to this day, I'll never understand. But I could never talk to him when I saw him at school. I was terrified. But still I had fun with it.
After he graduated, I moved onto his friend Tom. I wrote anonymous letters and whatever and eventually, Tom and I became friends. It was a weird relationship but as with Kevin, it was typically one sided. Upperclass guys humoring the crazy kid.
Now today's "crush" I've had for years. But it's not following the old script. It's so different that I have no idea what to do about it. I used to just observe from afar, believing we had absolutely nothing in common. I literally believed I wasn't cool enough to deserve his attention. We were always pleasant to each other, but again, I was just a kid hanging around.
Then somehow it changed. I became bolder. I found things to talk about, whether it was music or friends we had in common. And it wasn't weird. That's the weird part.
Over time, the conversations increased. Emails began, sporadically but still they were there. But it wasn't just conversations. He was someone I could be quiet around. There wasn't always a need to fill voids with idle chatter. Somehow when I wasn't looking we became, by most definitions, friends. That isn't how crushes work.
There was one time when, in the midst of joking around and trying to convince him to do my bidding, I had a hold of the front of his jacket and suddenly there were all these possibilities. If my brain could have shut off for one moment, I might have actually kissed him. For months I kicked myself for not taking the opportunity. There were many factors to consider and each of them ran through my mind, bringing me to reality. Then one night a few months back, bravery, in the form of Bacardi and Diet Coke, came to me and I decided I was NOT going to let an opportunity pass me by again. I firmly believed that I had nothing to lose. Nothing would come of it. It would just be fun to live out a fantasy. So I, not so subtly let him know what I was thinking and it led to an interesting little development.
However that development, my instigation of it, left me wanting a repeat performance. Would things be weird though? Would he blow me off? Had it just been a drunken little adventure? I wanted my questions answered.
Weird thing is, we ended up becoming better friends. More emails, more timely than ever before, a couple phone calls (I called him) and a whole new weirdass comfort level. I wasn't intimidated any longer. In fact, I became bolder and braver after that night.
Thing is, when we hung out again, besides getting more than my usual amount of time hanging out and chatting, I got a good night kiss. Not on the forehead or cheek and not altogether intense, but a kiss. HE kissed ME. I didn't instigate it.
Now I am completely thrown. Rationally, I know nothing is supposed to come of this. Yet all the old reasons why it was my ideal fling actually make sense now. Maybe nothing will ever come of it and it was just another fun moment, but now I see possibilies that weren't there before. I want a chance with him now. I never thought that way before. I blame him.
How did we get here? How did we become friends? How can I show him that we could have fun exploring the possibilities??? Somehow I don't think the tactics I used in high school will work this time.
Both Kevin and Tom are married now. I think Kevin even has a kid. They humored me... am I being humored now?? You tell me...
Freshman year, my locker was coincidentally across the hall from his. I had the same lunch as his. I even got into his first period choir just to see him. I could never bring myself to talk to him. I just looked at him. I did all the stupid things high school dorks do. I even got his phone # and began calling him and the weird thing was, he always talked to me. Which to this day, I'll never understand. But I could never talk to him when I saw him at school. I was terrified. But still I had fun with it.
After he graduated, I moved onto his friend Tom. I wrote anonymous letters and whatever and eventually, Tom and I became friends. It was a weird relationship but as with Kevin, it was typically one sided. Upperclass guys humoring the crazy kid.
Now today's "crush" I've had for years. But it's not following the old script. It's so different that I have no idea what to do about it. I used to just observe from afar, believing we had absolutely nothing in common. I literally believed I wasn't cool enough to deserve his attention. We were always pleasant to each other, but again, I was just a kid hanging around.
Then somehow it changed. I became bolder. I found things to talk about, whether it was music or friends we had in common. And it wasn't weird. That's the weird part.
Over time, the conversations increased. Emails began, sporadically but still they were there. But it wasn't just conversations. He was someone I could be quiet around. There wasn't always a need to fill voids with idle chatter. Somehow when I wasn't looking we became, by most definitions, friends. That isn't how crushes work.
There was one time when, in the midst of joking around and trying to convince him to do my bidding, I had a hold of the front of his jacket and suddenly there were all these possibilities. If my brain could have shut off for one moment, I might have actually kissed him. For months I kicked myself for not taking the opportunity. There were many factors to consider and each of them ran through my mind, bringing me to reality. Then one night a few months back, bravery, in the form of Bacardi and Diet Coke, came to me and I decided I was NOT going to let an opportunity pass me by again. I firmly believed that I had nothing to lose. Nothing would come of it. It would just be fun to live out a fantasy. So I, not so subtly let him know what I was thinking and it led to an interesting little development.
However that development, my instigation of it, left me wanting a repeat performance. Would things be weird though? Would he blow me off? Had it just been a drunken little adventure? I wanted my questions answered.
Weird thing is, we ended up becoming better friends. More emails, more timely than ever before, a couple phone calls (I called him) and a whole new weirdass comfort level. I wasn't intimidated any longer. In fact, I became bolder and braver after that night.
Thing is, when we hung out again, besides getting more than my usual amount of time hanging out and chatting, I got a good night kiss. Not on the forehead or cheek and not altogether intense, but a kiss. HE kissed ME. I didn't instigate it.
Now I am completely thrown. Rationally, I know nothing is supposed to come of this. Yet all the old reasons why it was my ideal fling actually make sense now. Maybe nothing will ever come of it and it was just another fun moment, but now I see possibilies that weren't there before. I want a chance with him now. I never thought that way before. I blame him.
How did we get here? How did we become friends? How can I show him that we could have fun exploring the possibilities??? Somehow I don't think the tactics I used in high school will work this time.
Both Kevin and Tom are married now. I think Kevin even has a kid. They humored me... am I being humored now?? You tell me...
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Girls Rule!!!
For the first time ever, Jen and I kicked ass at Mario Party 6. We beat Paul and Mike. I was in first until the bonus round when Jen got an extra star, but I don't care. We kicked their asses. Whoohooo!!!!!
The world must truly becoming to an end.
The world must truly becoming to an end.
Monday, August 15, 2005
Harry Potter
Okay... 2 weeks ago I finished the fourth Harry Potter. Thursday I finished the 5th and Friday I finished the 6th. Kinda draining, I must say... Emotional even. I won't give anything away but wow.... I am looking forward to book 7.
In what seems to be a children's literature summer, I am going to read the 2nd Summer of the Sisterhood of the traveling pants. Should be a short read.
In what seems to be a children's literature summer, I am going to read the 2nd Summer of the Sisterhood of the traveling pants. Should be a short read.
Rock on
Hmmm.... why oh why oh why???????????????????????
Must be why they call them crushes. And yet this goes much differently than the usual script of a crush.
Boston was fun. Rock Club was terrific. They had an ace roadie/sound check person. LOL Got eaten alive by bugs. My ankles look like I have the f'ing chicken pox, and it was hotter than hell but it was fun.
The Sox game that wasn't.... 6 hours and more rain delays than baseball. Saw Tek hit into a double play :-( Spent quality time with my cousin though. That's always good. Got to see the interesting Happy Hour people. Met the 3rd Castle brother. As usual Troy was well represented.
Now I am home... at least for a few days before I head on to PA. Mom is doing well. In her fifth week of radiation. It's going well.
Must be why they call them crushes. And yet this goes much differently than the usual script of a crush.
Boston was fun. Rock Club was terrific. They had an ace roadie/sound check person. LOL Got eaten alive by bugs. My ankles look like I have the f'ing chicken pox, and it was hotter than hell but it was fun.
The Sox game that wasn't.... 6 hours and more rain delays than baseball. Saw Tek hit into a double play :-( Spent quality time with my cousin though. That's always good. Got to see the interesting Happy Hour people. Met the 3rd Castle brother. As usual Troy was well represented.
Now I am home... at least for a few days before I head on to PA. Mom is doing well. In her fifth week of radiation. It's going well.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
We survived...
We survived.... Jamie and Matt are married. I actually managed to post the pictures in chronological order for once. We had a great time and we looked fabulous. The Grahams are just so great. Enjoy the pictures!
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