How???

My first real crush was in eighth grade. Kevin Stillman. He was in high school. I first saw him on the bus for All County Choir Rehearsals. How I made All County, I'll never know. He was tall, sandy hair, blue eyes. I used to find ways to look at him that whole year. Went to the school musical, timed my walk to Spanish 1st period @ the high school so that I'd see him walking to choir every morning.

Freshman year, my locker was coincidentally across the hall from his. I had the same lunch as his. I even got into his first period choir just to see him. I could never bring myself to talk to him. I just looked at him. I did all the stupid things high school dorks do. I even got his phone # and began calling him and the weird thing was, he always talked to me. Which to this day, I'll never understand. But I could never talk to him when I saw him at school. I was terrified. But still I had fun with it.

After he graduated, I moved onto his friend Tom. I wrote anonymous letters and whatever and eventually, Tom and I became friends. It was a weird relationship but as with Kevin, it was typically one sided. Upperclass guys humoring the crazy kid.

Now today's "crush" I've had for years. But it's not following the old script. It's so different that I have no idea what to do about it. I used to just observe from afar, believing we had absolutely nothing in common. I literally believed I wasn't cool enough to deserve his attention. We were always pleasant to each other, but again, I was just a kid hanging around.

Then somehow it changed. I became bolder. I found things to talk about, whether it was music or friends we had in common. And it wasn't weird. That's the weird part.

Over time, the conversations increased. Emails began, sporadically but still they were there. But it wasn't just conversations. He was someone I could be quiet around. There wasn't always a need to fill voids with idle chatter. Somehow when I wasn't looking we became, by most definitions, friends. That isn't how crushes work.

There was one time when, in the midst of joking around and trying to convince him to do my bidding, I had a hold of the front of his jacket and suddenly there were all these possibilities. If my brain could have shut off for one moment, I might have actually kissed him. For months I kicked myself for not taking the opportunity. There were many factors to consider and each of them ran through my mind, bringing me to reality. Then one night a few months back, bravery, in the form of Bacardi and Diet Coke, came to me and I decided I was NOT going to let an opportunity pass me by again. I firmly believed that I had nothing to lose. Nothing would come of it. It would just be fun to live out a fantasy. So I, not so subtly let him know what I was thinking and it led to an interesting little development.

However that development, my instigation of it, left me wanting a repeat performance. Would things be weird though? Would he blow me off? Had it just been a drunken little adventure? I wanted my questions answered.

Weird thing is, we ended up becoming better friends. More emails, more timely than ever before, a couple phone calls (I called him) and a whole new weirdass comfort level. I wasn't intimidated any longer. In fact, I became bolder and braver after that night.

Thing is, when we hung out again, besides getting more than my usual amount of time hanging out and chatting, I got a good night kiss. Not on the forehead or cheek and not altogether intense, but a kiss. HE kissed ME. I didn't instigate it.

Now I am completely thrown. Rationally, I know nothing is supposed to come of this. Yet all the old reasons why it was my ideal fling actually make sense now. Maybe nothing will ever come of it and it was just another fun moment, but now I see possibilies that weren't there before. I want a chance with him now. I never thought that way before. I blame him.

How did we get here? How did we become friends? How can I show him that we could have fun exploring the possibilities??? Somehow I don't think the tactics I used in high school will work this time.

Both Kevin and Tom are married now. I think Kevin even has a kid. They humored me... am I being humored now?? You tell me...