Friendless

What if you threw a party and no one came? What does that say about you? Does it mean your friends are losers? Perhaps. Does it mean you are?

The summer is almost over. I tried to make an effort to be social. Granted it was with less than a week's notice, but still.

Todd Zeile is playing tonight which means he probably won't play tomorrow, damnit! The mets are kicking Dodger ass right now. It's still early though.

I am writing a novel. Seriously. I have been working on it for a couple years. I have had two people reading it for me. They seem to be enjoying it and tell me it should be published. Imagine that. Me, a writer. Surprise, surprise, it's a baseball story.

I chopped off all my hair yesterday. It's a weird feeling.

I need to make a To Do list. A list of things I want to accomplish in my life. I've always wanted to go to California. When I was a kid, I used to watch a TV show called High Mountain Rangers, it took place in Tahoe, then San Francisco. I used to dream of moving there. I even got college brochures from schools there. It seemed like a magical place and so far from here.

The hamster is running around my apartment again. I want to name him Pieter van den Hoogenband. He was my favorite Olympic swimmer.

I think about Melanie a lot. I feel guilty that I am alive and she is not. She had so much to offer. She was a much better person than I am. When I went to Buffalo last weekend, we were drunk and talking about Mighty Taco. (Mighty Taco... Mighty Taco...) Anyway, I burst into tears. Not many people liked Melanie but sometimes after classes, we would go to Mighty Taco for dinner. Melanie and I were very different and I remember thinking at orientation that I didn't want to be lumped in with her. I just shared a suite with her and that was it. But I learned a lot about her over eleven months of living together. She used to wash her hair before going to bible study class b/c there was a cute boy there. She wasn't so different from me.

Yet another cancelation. Fuck 'em!

Party

I am supposedly having a "party" tonight, but I realize that I do not have enough friends to have an actual party. Sad isn't it? Oh well! I have plenty of alcohol and food. Go me!!! I need to shower.

Tomorrow I am going to see the Mets vs. Dodgers. I cannot wait. Either Ventura or Zeile better make it into the game. That is all I have to say.

Nightie-night

Hmmm...

There's a hamster rolling around my living room floor. Run hamster. Run.

I am going to see the Mets vs. the Dodgers Saturday. Robin Ventura AND Todd Zeile. *sigh* With my luck, neither will be in the line up.

A friend and I once had a long conversation about living life or just observing it. Once you're trapped as an observer, how do you get past that? Once you forget how to take risks, how do you remember again?

I chopped off most of my hair today. Go me.

The hamster has gotten himself stuck in a corner. Poor thing. He's cute, but stinky.

Dentist

I went to the dentist today. AGAIN. It seems my entire life and life savings is being spent there. There are many other places I would rather be. Like on a beach somewhere. Or at a baseball game.. Or anywhere that has water. Or in bed.

I am not feeling as hopeless today. I suppose that is good. I slept in and didn't accomplish anything in the past three days that I was supposed to but life goes on I guess. I even spent two hours watching the E! True Hollywood Story.

I actually made phone calls yesterday. I tried explaining to people where I have been all summer. I still can't quite explain it and I am not sure anyone really wants to listen. This is becoming my therapy. I can write into the abyss that is the internet and be content with that.

Where did the summer go? Where did I go? Was I always this way? I don't know. Do you? I am looking for answers. So many questions, so little time.

What is the point? Is there one? Does our existance mean anything? I need to know.

Abandoned

There used to be a time I loved being alone. I loved having my own room. I could spend hours just hanging out on my own. But somewhere along the way that changed.

I can't explain it. It's a catch 22. I have no ambition to talk to anyone or make that effort. But I feel abandoned. Everyone I want to see or talk to is gone. I don't blame them. Who would want to be a part of this? I don't want to be a part of this.

I want to know why. Why did he waste so much time on me for no reason? Why is the stuffed animal I gave him sitting on his bed? Why can't he love me as much as I love him? What's wrong with me? I know he isn't the cause of all of this, but it's harder to deal with without him here.

I don't know how to make thus feeling stop. I know that sounds morbid. I feel morbid. I feel hopless and unlovable and like I have no control over anything. Shouldn't my life be in order by now? Aren't I too old for this crap?

Fuck! Make it stop!

2020 Vision

I saw you in a different light today
You’re not the man I thought you were.
You’re a stranger with a familiar face.

Were you real or did I make you up?
The connection between us seems severed
I thought you were my saving grace.

Looking back at what I wish I knew
Looking forward to what might have been
Looking at you still makes my heart race.

I saw you in a different light today
You’re not the man I thought you were.
You’re a stranger with a familiar face.

Hardest Promise

The hardest promise I've ever had to keep

My tongue is sore from biting it;
My eyes are swollen red.
I hear what you tell me,
But I see what you won't say.
And I meant it for always,
When I promised to be your friend.
But it hurts me to watch this,
For I’m not an objective observer.
If you were any other friend,
I'd tell you to be sure.
If you were any other friend,
I'd tell you to yourself be true.
If you were any other friend,
I'd break my promise
And tell you I loved you.

SPAC

Wow... I have spent my entire summer working at SPAC. It was interesting to say the least. Mollie has the best sense of humor in the world. Her spontaneous witicisms have already been published.

The Days of our Lives type atmosphere was interesting and I am thankful I am too old for that shit.

I met some really cool people, and despite our age differences I had fun getting to yell at customers with them. I might have pissed off one, which would make me sad b/c their cool and one of the few people there I could have an intelligent conversation with. Hopefully, they know any tortuous behavior on my part was all in good clean fun. And they know I think they are truly amazirng.

I have seen some of the stupidest and some of the most talented people; all from behind our "bulet proof" glass. It's been a joy and a curse. I thank god I am not 18 again. It's too much damn work.

Procrastination

What am I doing? I should be cleaning or getting ready to go back to school and instead I am here. Never ssaid I was a smart mouse.

Anyway... my computer wants to crap out.

My Yankees are in first place which I should be happy about but I cannot bring myself to revel in it. There's no challenge, no fun. AND they have John Olereud who I hate almost as much as Jeff Kent. *sigh*

My summer is over and I have done nothing.

I went to Buffalo for the weekend. I loved it there. Why did I leave? Oh yeah... the winters.

My favorite boy moved out. That makes me sad.He moved to the ghetto. That makes me worry.