Abandoned

There used to be a time I loved being alone. I loved having my own room. I could spend hours just hanging out on my own. But somewhere along the way that changed.

I can't explain it. It's a catch 22. I have no ambition to talk to anyone or make that effort. But I feel abandoned. Everyone I want to see or talk to is gone. I don't blame them. Who would want to be a part of this? I don't want to be a part of this.

I want to know why. Why did he waste so much time on me for no reason? Why is the stuffed animal I gave him sitting on his bed? Why can't he love me as much as I love him? What's wrong with me? I know he isn't the cause of all of this, but it's harder to deal with without him here.

I don't know how to make thus feeling stop. I know that sounds morbid. I feel morbid. I feel hopless and unlovable and like I have no control over anything. Shouldn't my life be in order by now? Aren't I too old for this crap?

Fuck! Make it stop!