Friendless

What if you threw a party and no one came? What does that say about you? Does it mean your friends are losers? Perhaps. Does it mean you are?

The summer is almost over. I tried to make an effort to be social. Granted it was with less than a week's notice, but still.

Todd Zeile is playing tonight which means he probably won't play tomorrow, damnit! The mets are kicking Dodger ass right now. It's still early though.

I am writing a novel. Seriously. I have been working on it for a couple years. I have had two people reading it for me. They seem to be enjoying it and tell me it should be published. Imagine that. Me, a writer. Surprise, surprise, it's a baseball story.

I chopped off all my hair yesterday. It's a weird feeling.

I need to make a To Do list. A list of things I want to accomplish in my life. I've always wanted to go to California. When I was a kid, I used to watch a TV show called High Mountain Rangers, it took place in Tahoe, then San Francisco. I used to dream of moving there. I even got college brochures from schools there. It seemed like a magical place and so far from here.

The hamster is running around my apartment again. I want to name him Pieter van den Hoogenband. He was my favorite Olympic swimmer.

I think about Melanie a lot. I feel guilty that I am alive and she is not. She had so much to offer. She was a much better person than I am. When I went to Buffalo last weekend, we were drunk and talking about Mighty Taco. (Mighty Taco... Mighty Taco...) Anyway, I burst into tears. Not many people liked Melanie but sometimes after classes, we would go to Mighty Taco for dinner. Melanie and I were very different and I remember thinking at orientation that I didn't want to be lumped in with her. I just shared a suite with her and that was it. But I learned a lot about her over eleven months of living together. She used to wash her hair before going to bible study class b/c there was a cute boy there. She wasn't so different from me.

Yet another cancelation. Fuck 'em!