Ode to a Boy

Have you ever met someone and they don't leave your head. Someone so wrong for you that you want them more. For years I have seen this guy. He's unique, dark, moody, artistic. He is sexy as all hell. I spent one night just hanging out with him. Talking, laughing, drinking... I had the opportunity to kiss him and I pulled away. There are so many reasons for that. He is someone I would love a fling with. I don't think either of us would last a real relationship. It isn't either of us. It's coming up on the one year anniversary since the night I almost kissed him. He's in my head again. I haven't seen him since that night. I had never talked to him more in all the year's I've known him than that night. I want him to know that I think he's amazing. I know he isn't perfect but I don't mind. I admire that. I wish we could just say to hell with what others would say and just see what happens.

Who knows.

Naughty or Nice

The day after Christmas.... Ahhhh... Sleep. Wonderful sleep. It was a good Christmas. Got a digital camera. Books, Dukes of Hazzard on DVD. A new sleeping bag. Spent too many quality hours of family time.

I want to go back to school. I want money. I have none. I have less than none. I am so broke it's not funny. I have no idea how that happened.

If I had my way I'd spend my days watching Sex & the City, Desperate Housewives, Alias and Las Vegas. I would escape reality and live solely for the purpose of fiction.

Happy New Year

Happy Christmas

Feliz Navidad!! Whoohoo.. Christmas has come and gone. When did it start flying by?

I FINALLY have a computer that is running and remembered my password to this site so I am up and running again. Go me!!

Hope everyone has a happy and healthy New Year.

Hell Has Frozen Over

1918 is no more. The curse is over. Maybe Babe isn't happy that NY wants to build him a new Condo. Maybe the planets were alligned. Maybe the Baseball Gods were busy playing golf. Maybe the Lunar Eclipse was magical.

These are the signs I saw. First, the Yankees signed A-Fraud and Kevin Brown. Who wants a pitcher on their team, who in a moment of pure selfishness punches a wall and breaks his hand? Who wants a player who plays dirty by blatantly smacking a ball out of a pitcher's hand?

Second, when has Derek Jeter ever committed three errors in one week, let alone in the post season?

Third, the Sox haven't won a World Series in 86 years. They haven't been to the Series since 86. Hmmm... Baseball is a game of numbers.

I've been saying all year that Derek Lowe should get re-signed. Now all of Boston is starting to agree with me. The first player in Major League history to win all three clinching games. Go Derek!!!

June's Ears

My cousin's grandfather, my grandfather's brother passed away last night. He's always been someone I've admired. He's one of those oldtime gentlemen, dashingly handsome, smooth... I'd always envied my cousin for getting to have him around her whole life - 28 years, more than I had with my grandfather.

Warren's wife was hard of hearing and she relied on him to be her ears. He explained things to her when she didn't hear or understand them. He took care of her, told her when her hearing aids were buzzing b/c the fit wasn't correct. He was a man who raised six girls and a granddaughter and devoted his life to his family.

For various reasons, our families didn't see each other as much as we'd have liked. Like with anything, life gets in the way. But I know that both Warren and my grandfather were pleased with the fact that Jamie and I have become the best of friends over the years. She's the only person who gets why I cry whenever my grandfather is brought up in conversation. She knows I feel cheated. I love her and would do anything for her.

I asked Jamie tonight if there was anything her grandfather couldn't do. She said only what her grandmother didn't ask him to do. He couldn't refuse his wife. He was a creative man, intelligent and full of integrity. He believed that his girls were as capable as any boy and that every child was a blessing. I'm honored to have known him and to have been able to consider him family.

Blood isn't required to form family bonds. It's a Graham trait. Jack was a father by choice, Warren was a grandfather and uncle by one as well. Neither needed blood ties to except people as family. Lucky for me.

Jack, Warren and Virginia are together in heaven. Looking down on our "family" and smiling.

Happiness is...

Watching the Red Sox win and having ESPN change the broadcast over to the Dodgers and in THAT moment, it's a close up of Robin Ventura. He had an RBI double in the first. And he's playing third. Imagine that!!!!

Big Comfy Couch

I got my new furniture. It's so comfy. It was so nice to come home after my fisrt day of work yesterday and just flop on it.

I just got home from dinner @ my friend Julie's. She and her husband used to be my neighbors. They were the first to abandon me @ 'the club'. They bought a house and had a new baby girl. She's too cute. Julie is the most amazing cook. She actually gets me to eat meat. Imagine that. I ate ribs and they were yummy.

Two days of work down. So far so good. I like having my own office. Things seem to be running smoothly, although chaotic. I thrive in chaos. I like being busy. Less time to think.

Now I need to go to sleep.

Still Here

A friend sent me this and I liked it, so I am posting the link here:

this is really nice:

http://www.tomatonation.com/stillhere.shtml

I'll warn you it is related to 9-11. It's a nice tribute and appropriate at this anniversary of the event.

Ooohmmmm....

Today was yoga with Lauren. For some reason, midway through class the instructor decided to start calling me Marci. Whatever. There is also a man in our class with a cochlear implant. I am surrounded.

I am having a dispute with my friend Rick about my baseball beliefs. I am sorry. I am a Yankees fan but I am not enjoying them this year. They are not fun this year. I am not into A-Rod. I am missing the players of 96, 98, 99 & 2000. It's so annoying. He's an A's fan and bitter b/c his team is losing.

I have been reading my friend's Blog. I find o out all the interesting news from him. My former home in exile flooded. Didn't think it r ained in hell. *sigh* I think it is time for me to go to bed. Tomorrow is Friday. Yeha!!! Rob also thinks that John Olerud is cool. I am surrounded by insanity.

Work has been good so far. I got my computer today. That was good. I can now email from work. Hehe... Productive, that's me.

Good Day

Whoohoo.. Ventura hit ANOTHER Grand Slam. He is tied for third all time with Willie McCovey and only behind Lou Gerhig (23) and Eddie Murray (19). Gotta love him.

Had a great first day at work. That's good, right? It's a start. Got an actual office. And I'm getting my own computer. Whoohoo!!! The kids don't come till Monday.

Had coffee with my former neighbor. THat was fun.

Came home to find that my furniture is in and I just have to call to set up delivery. I will have a couch!!! Yea!!!!

The only thing that could top this day is if the Red Sox win and so far it is looking good.

I should go to bed now while I am so far ahead.

Tomorrow is Yoga day. Yippee!!!

Ventura's Pitching Debut 

Happy Birthday to me!!! 

Go Sox!!!

The Red Sox are making a comeback!! Whoohoo!! Yankees better watch out!

It is my last official day of summer. I spent an outrageous amount of money. Go me. I am not required to go to work tomorrow but seeing as how I have avoided the place and the people all summer I should go in. This year will be better. I will keep telling myself that and hope it is true.

I should be asleep but I just spent hours talking to my neighbor. It is good to have people living here that I can chat with all night.

I am amused by Rob and his John Olerud crusade. Give it up, dude I will never like the man. He is evil, like Jeff Kent and Frank Thomas. I saw Aaron Boone pinstripe jerseys on sale for $30 at the mall today. Made me laugh.

Hmmm.... my new school year resolution is to be more social. I want to email more frequently. I want to see my friends.

It's depressing that the days are getting short. It was dark by 8 pm today. I do so enjoy the day you get that extra hour of sleep back. It's like a holiday.

The Yankees are being babies about the Devil Rays missing the game today. They know they have to worry about the Sox winning so they want to win by forfeit. That's Bullshit. How funny is it that Kevin Brown broke his hand??? It's like the Yankees are slowly imploding. John Kruk wonders if it's because our pitching sucks so bad. We are afraid we won't beat them. I like a team that looks like they are having fun. The Yankees aren't that this year. So, Go Sox!!

SPAC-less

Well, summer is officially over for me. No more SPAC. We ended the season on Journey. They weren't bad. I didn't think I would make it on my last day. I was so sick last night. I was praying to either throw up or die. Neither is exactly fun. But I survived and even acquired a free t-shirt to show for it.

*sigh*

I

Friendless

What if you threw a party and no one came? What does that say about you? Does it mean your friends are losers? Perhaps. Does it mean you are?

The summer is almost over. I tried to make an effort to be social. Granted it was with less than a week's notice, but still.

Todd Zeile is playing tonight which means he probably won't play tomorrow, damnit! The mets are kicking Dodger ass right now. It's still early though.

I am writing a novel. Seriously. I have been working on it for a couple years. I have had two people reading it for me. They seem to be enjoying it and tell me it should be published. Imagine that. Me, a writer. Surprise, surprise, it's a baseball story.

I chopped off all my hair yesterday. It's a weird feeling.

I need to make a To Do list. A list of things I want to accomplish in my life. I've always wanted to go to California. When I was a kid, I used to watch a TV show called High Mountain Rangers, it took place in Tahoe, then San Francisco. I used to dream of moving there. I even got college brochures from schools there. It seemed like a magical place and so far from here.

The hamster is running around my apartment again. I want to name him Pieter van den Hoogenband. He was my favorite Olympic swimmer.

I think about Melanie a lot. I feel guilty that I am alive and she is not. She had so much to offer. She was a much better person than I am. When I went to Buffalo last weekend, we were drunk and talking about Mighty Taco. (Mighty Taco... Mighty Taco...) Anyway, I burst into tears. Not many people liked Melanie but sometimes after classes, we would go to Mighty Taco for dinner. Melanie and I were very different and I remember thinking at orientation that I didn't want to be lumped in with her. I just shared a suite with her and that was it. But I learned a lot about her over eleven months of living together. She used to wash her hair before going to bible study class b/c there was a cute boy there. She wasn't so different from me.

Yet another cancelation. Fuck 'em!

Party

I am supposedly having a "party" tonight, but I realize that I do not have enough friends to have an actual party. Sad isn't it? Oh well! I have plenty of alcohol and food. Go me!!! I need to shower.

Tomorrow I am going to see the Mets vs. Dodgers. I cannot wait. Either Ventura or Zeile better make it into the game. That is all I have to say.

Nightie-night

Hmmm...

There's a hamster rolling around my living room floor. Run hamster. Run.

I am going to see the Mets vs. the Dodgers Saturday. Robin Ventura AND Todd Zeile. *sigh* With my luck, neither will be in the line up.

A friend and I once had a long conversation about living life or just observing it. Once you're trapped as an observer, how do you get past that? Once you forget how to take risks, how do you remember again?

I chopped off most of my hair today. Go me.

The hamster has gotten himself stuck in a corner. Poor thing. He's cute, but stinky.

Dentist

I went to the dentist today. AGAIN. It seems my entire life and life savings is being spent there. There are many other places I would rather be. Like on a beach somewhere. Or at a baseball game.. Or anywhere that has water. Or in bed.

I am not feeling as hopeless today. I suppose that is good. I slept in and didn't accomplish anything in the past three days that I was supposed to but life goes on I guess. I even spent two hours watching the E! True Hollywood Story.

I actually made phone calls yesterday. I tried explaining to people where I have been all summer. I still can't quite explain it and I am not sure anyone really wants to listen. This is becoming my therapy. I can write into the abyss that is the internet and be content with that.

Where did the summer go? Where did I go? Was I always this way? I don't know. Do you? I am looking for answers. So many questions, so little time.

What is the point? Is there one? Does our existance mean anything? I need to know.

Abandoned

There used to be a time I loved being alone. I loved having my own room. I could spend hours just hanging out on my own. But somewhere along the way that changed.

I can't explain it. It's a catch 22. I have no ambition to talk to anyone or make that effort. But I feel abandoned. Everyone I want to see or talk to is gone. I don't blame them. Who would want to be a part of this? I don't want to be a part of this.

I want to know why. Why did he waste so much time on me for no reason? Why is the stuffed animal I gave him sitting on his bed? Why can't he love me as much as I love him? What's wrong with me? I know he isn't the cause of all of this, but it's harder to deal with without him here.

I don't know how to make thus feeling stop. I know that sounds morbid. I feel morbid. I feel hopless and unlovable and like I have no control over anything. Shouldn't my life be in order by now? Aren't I too old for this crap?

Fuck! Make it stop!

2020 Vision

I saw you in a different light today
You’re not the man I thought you were.
You’re a stranger with a familiar face.

Were you real or did I make you up?
The connection between us seems severed
I thought you were my saving grace.

Looking back at what I wish I knew
Looking forward to what might have been
Looking at you still makes my heart race.

I saw you in a different light today
You’re not the man I thought you were.
You’re a stranger with a familiar face.

Hardest Promise

The hardest promise I've ever had to keep

My tongue is sore from biting it;
My eyes are swollen red.
I hear what you tell me,
But I see what you won't say.
And I meant it for always,
When I promised to be your friend.
But it hurts me to watch this,
For I’m not an objective observer.
If you were any other friend,
I'd tell you to be sure.
If you were any other friend,
I'd tell you to yourself be true.
If you were any other friend,
I'd break my promise
And tell you I loved you.

SPAC

Wow... I have spent my entire summer working at SPAC. It was interesting to say the least. Mollie has the best sense of humor in the world. Her spontaneous witicisms have already been published.

The Days of our Lives type atmosphere was interesting and I am thankful I am too old for that shit.

I met some really cool people, and despite our age differences I had fun getting to yell at customers with them. I might have pissed off one, which would make me sad b/c their cool and one of the few people there I could have an intelligent conversation with. Hopefully, they know any tortuous behavior on my part was all in good clean fun. And they know I think they are truly amazirng.

I have seen some of the stupidest and some of the most talented people; all from behind our "bulet proof" glass. It's been a joy and a curse. I thank god I am not 18 again. It's too much damn work.

Procrastination

What am I doing? I should be cleaning or getting ready to go back to school and instead I am here. Never ssaid I was a smart mouse.

Anyway... my computer wants to crap out.

My Yankees are in first place which I should be happy about but I cannot bring myself to revel in it. There's no challenge, no fun. AND they have John Olereud who I hate almost as much as Jeff Kent. *sigh*

My summer is over and I have done nothing.

I went to Buffalo for the weekend. I loved it there. Why did I leave? Oh yeah... the winters.

My favorite boy moved out. That makes me sad.He moved to the ghetto. That makes me worry.